On December 14, 2009, I was one of seven storytellers at the annual Stoop Storytellers Holiday Show at Center Stage in Baltimore. The premise is that seven people have seven minutes each to tell a holiday story. The story must be a real one. I chose to share my holiday job of 1982 - when I worked as a Talking Reindeer at Hutzler's Department Store. BELOW are the recollections I put together to help me recall the details of my job. Hope you enjoy. HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL!!!I was working as a speech therapist in Anne Arundel County…at Severna Park Middle School…I was Bored of Education that fall, and decided a part-time holiday job might perk me up.
An ad in the Annapolis Evening Capital caught my eye…
ATTENTION! SPEECH AND DRAMA STUDENTS! BE THE VOICE OF THE TALKING REINDEER AT HUTZLER’S DEPARTMENT STORE!!
Perfect…I talked to kids every day…but this would be in a more magical setting…and, growing up, I was always more of a reindeer person…
I went for my Reindeer Interview at the Hutzler’s Southdale store in Glen Burnie…or Glen BUR NAY…as we used to say… in late October…and I recall it was fairly short…I think they just wanted to make sure I was articulate and that my motives were honorable…I was told the job was mine…I don’t think there were a lot of people applying…
A word about Hutzler’s…. a wonderful department store that opened in Baltimore in 1858… …last Hutzler’s…the Towson store… closed in 1990…
Hutzler’s was a pioneer…at Christmas they featured two reindeer…Beau and Tinsel…more about them…in a sec…
My interviewer said I had to attend a mandatory …RTS… Reindeer Training School…
That was held on a Saturday morning in November in the attic of the Hutzler’s on Howard Street in downtown Baltimore…where all the reindeer lived off-season…
I remember that was an eerie moment…seeing all those reindeer in that dim attic light…surreal…you had to be there…very Twilight Zone…
In that attic, I learned the intricacies of the job…
the reindeer…Tinsel…the female…and Beau…the male…were beautiful, gentle creatures…pretty much full size…standing in front of a small silvery frosted hut…The person who was playing the part…entered the reindeer hut through a small door, sat down, operated controls to move the reindeer heads and their mouths…and spoke to children via a microphone…there was a small peephole right in front of the mic you looked through…to see the reindeer and the kids…
In the training session, we had the chance to practice the controls…and learn the Reindeer Rules……kind of a Reindeer Manifesto…about what subjects to avoid…while talking to the kids…specifically…politics and religion…
The instructor was serious about this…if you didn’t comply…that would be grounds for dismissal…
And I’m thinking…this is a no-brainer…what six year-old is going to start dishing about politics or the existence of a Higher Power?
I had no idea what was in store for me on this job…
My first night…I was very upbeat and excited… also a little nervous… it was a big responsibility for minimum wage…which in 1982 was $3.35 an hour…one false move…and I could literally destroy a child’s belief in Holiday Magic!!!…
I arrived at Hutzler’s early for my two-hour shift…from 6 to 8 PM…
Tinsel and Beau were in the Children’s Clothing Dept…which made sense…luckily…no one was around…and I was able to sneak into the hut with no one noticing me…
I closed the door…and that’s when I realized…for maybe the first time in my life…that I probably had a mild-moderate case of Claustrophobia…In RTS…we kept the doors of the hut open when we were practicing…so the instructor could help us and answer questions…
I mean it was like being in a chicken coop…not that I’ve ever actually been in a chicken coop…It was pitch dark in that hut, and I felt closed in…and the air quality wasn’t great…no fans or ventilation…and I noticed all that in the first minute…this was gonna be a long shift…
Now, the seat was kind of like a bicycle seat…and after trying to get comfortable… I figured that I’d probably need Preparation-H by the end of the evening– and I don’t mean H for Holiday…
The handles…Picture these handles that move back and forth…they allow you to move the reindeer heads back and forth…
The handles worked really well in RTS…
But my handles were loose…so if I wasn’t careful…Beau and Tinsel’s heads would sort of spin…and I didn’t want them to look like Linda Blair in “The Exorcist”…so I had to really focus on that issue…
The handles had triggers…so when you squeezed them the reindeer mouths open and closed…Tinsel’s trigger worked perfectly, but Beau’s trigger was kind of jammed…it needed some WD-40…which I didn’t happen to have in my purse…
I just had to squeeze Beau’s trigger really hard…kind of like milking an uptight cow…which resulted in a huge blister on my right hand…I actually wore a glove on that hand the rest of the season…but since Thriller came out in 1982…I considered myself fashionable…
I’d like to tell you that at least my microphone worked great …but there was a bit of a glitch there as well…you had to look forward and speak directly into it…or it would sort of misfire…
Now, this equipment required a lot of coordination…
But there was more…I had to talk in two different voices…one for Beau…and one for Tinsel…basically, I used a deeper voice for Beau…and a higher-pitched one for Tinsel…
I felt I needed to practice my Reindeer Voices…still no kids out front…so I decided to have Beau and Tinsel recite “The Night Before Christmas” since I had memorized it…
This would also distract me from a lack of oxygen, and various mechanical malfunctions…
I started in…’twas the night before Christmas (BEAU)…and all through the house (TINSEL)…not a creature was stirring (BEAU)…not even a mouse…TINSEL
All right…you had to be there…
Everything was going great…I forgot about all the discomfort…I was handling those controls like a Reindeer Pro…I was about halfway through my recitation when…
All of a sudden I noticed a large shape blocking the peephole…a shape with arms crossed over her chest and wearing a Hutzler’s nametag… she was scowling…obviously not someone immersed in the holiday spirit…
She said…in a loud voice …”Will you please shut up!!”…
“The reindeer on the other shifts keep quiet when there are no children around…you haven’t stopped talking since you got here…you’re driving us crazy”
I assumed by “us” she meant the other bitter and jaded employees…
I decided to take a break, and that’s when a woman approached the hut with her daughter…and left this child with the reindeer, while she did some shopping nearby…
Now, no one would do this in 2009…but this was 1982…and the mother was close by… I could sort of see her off to the side…I guess she thought it was like a babysitting service…I mean if you can’t trust a reindeer, who can you trust?...
I was about to enjoy an innocent conversation with a little girl…not realizing that she was precocious and probably the youngest graduate of the Larry King Correspondence Course…
She started with a barrage of comments and questions…
MY NAME IS TERESA
I’M FIVE YEARS OLD
WHERE IS YOUR PRICE TAG?
I WANT TO BUY YOU AND PUT YOU IN MY HOUSE
WHO CUTS YOUR HAIR?
MY FAVORITE COLOR IS PURPLE AND YELLOW
DO YOU LIKESPAGHETTI SAUCE?
BEAU, DO YOU HAVE ANY BABIES?
I HAVE FOUR DOLLARS IN MY PIGGY BANK
This went on…and on…not sure if the reindeer heads were spinning, but my head was…
Beau interrupted her…Teresa, what do you want for Christmas?
She said she wanted a vacuum cleaner! Now, what five-year old wants a vacuum cleaner!!
This time Tinsel takes over and says…Do you want an upright or a canister?
Meanwhile, I’m thinking…
Where is this child’s mother? Where is store security!
Then, Teresa makes a request that will likely put an end to my first night on the job, as well as to my entire reindeer career.
And by now I’ve only earned about 2 dollars…
She wants to sing a hymn…she’s been learning in pre-school… and she wants Beau and Tinsel to sing with her…
I’m thinking…hymn=religion=breaking the Reindeer Code of Honor…
Teresa starts in, with this voice…think early Whitney Houston…
JEESUS, MY LORD…
JESUS, MYYYYYY LOOOORD….
My reindeer pressure reaches antler level…
JEEE…SUSS…
Does this hymn have any other lines? Why doesn’t someone remove this midget evangelist?
Beau says…Hey, Teresa…how about a carol…Let’s sing
“Santa Claus is Coming to Town”…You better watch out…
I realize he made…you better watch out… sound like sort of a veiled threat…shame on you, Beau…
JEESUS, OH JESUUS, MY JESUS, MY LORD…
After about ten starts on this hymn, when I’m ready to run out of that hut and blow my cover…
Teresa changes focus again…she gets quiet for a second…Retreats…sort of like the ocean right before a tsunami…I’m actually getting a little worried…
Then, with her big brown eyes so full of joy…she says in her very big voice:
I LOVE YOU REINDEERS…
In that instant, I recall a shift, a softening of the spirit…
And so I looked out my peephole…and said…
We love you too, Teresa,
Tinsel, Beau…and me…
Finish your hymn…
We’ll hum along…
And Teresa…if you’re out there…I hope you got your Hoover!!!!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!
PS I finished my seasonal job as the Talking Reindeer…growing more confident with every shift. Tech issues were resolved…
In 1983, I was asked to return…the shifts were extended to four hours…but I politely declined…knowing I could never hope to experience the dramatic moments of my first year as a Talking Reindeer!!!!!
Me, Shirley, the Goddess
